I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
