He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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