just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
