I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
