I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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