No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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