did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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