Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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