I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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