I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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