I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
