NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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