Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
