If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Are my feet made of real feet?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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