Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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