Be still, my beating vagina.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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