I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
