Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
