I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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