I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
