U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
