So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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