I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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