I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
