I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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