I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
