Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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