i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
