I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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