You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
