i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
