I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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