im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you win again, gameday.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
