My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
my liver is dry heaving
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
