No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
