im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
