even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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