the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
