How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I haven't been this sober since birth.
what day is it and did you see me today?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
