Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Randomize
