I just made out with a guy for $7.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
