Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
