Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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