Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
