I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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