I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You ruined the universe
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
