thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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