I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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