I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
