Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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