a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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