you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
