Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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