hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
