the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Let's get the cat blown out
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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