omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize