why do cheetos always look like penises
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just high enough for therapy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
