Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
