Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Be still, my beating vagina.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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