I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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