My nipple is on Facebook.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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