aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
