You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
