I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
